What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters your Organization

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What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters your Organization

[Excerpted from International Ombudsman Association (IOA) article by Mark Batson Baril, Dec. 21, 2020. Read the full article here:  “What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters Your Organization,”]

In my work as a Conflict Resolver, Mediator and Ombuds, I have encountered 17 situations to date that have involved a leader with an abrasive leadership style. It’s been hard for me to admit, but it took eight of those cases over several years before I really understood what was going on — and what to do about it. 

In most of those cases the teams and organizations worked toward agreements that more or less stuck and the team’s performance improved. Yet, lurking beneath those changes was the abrasive behavior of the leader/individual that had not changed, so had not been addressed in a substantial way.

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Can This Partnership Be Saved?

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Can This Partnership Be Saved?

The cofounder team of six people were all best friends. They threw in all their money and joined together to start this coffee/bakery business in Nevada. They had a really good go in the first couple of years – customer base growing steadily, lots of popularity and people coming into the business interested in what they were doing because of their unique products.  

At some point a few years in, they started having disagreements about how things were getting done, who was working the hardest, who was being paid fairly, and who was accountable for which responsibilities. All while the business was in the middle of growing pains.

They called me in as a coach and we did some team coaching. In my process we did interviews and surveys with everyone at the bakery as well as outside stakeholders. 

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Ted Lasso's tips on handling tough conversations

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Ted Lasso's tips on handling tough conversations

In the heat of a tough conversation (or person) that hooks us emotionally, those emotions can get the better of us and our tender egos can feel slapped around. 

Tough conversations are inevitable in the workplace and particularly sticky when they involve a superior or, even stickier, a boss who’s chronically difficult. 

These are the very moments when you want to keep your emotions and ego in check if you have any hope of achieving the outcomes you’re looking for in the conversation. 

So, how do you do that? We look to America's favorite lovable leader, Ted Lasso, for advice…

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When the abrasive leader is THE leader (If I knew then what I know now)

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When the abrasive leader is THE leader (If I knew then what I know now)

As a conflict advisor I worked with a large nonprofit organization over several years with mediation and consulting work around conflict within their various departments.

I began hearing through the grapevine that this particular person we’ll call Marie was a very, very difficult person to work for. 

At first I thought they had to be talking about someone else! I’d met Marie, and heard a lot of folks in that community talk about how brilliant she was and one of the most likable and charismatic people you’d ever want to meet. 

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Bad Behavior at Work: You know you should do something

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Bad Behavior at Work: You know you should do something

“You know you should do something about Chris, but you’re not sure what. You just received another complaint about his abrasive behavior. This isn’t the only complaint—they’ve been adding up. You haven’t done anything yet—you’ve been busy…You’ve been waiting to see if things would improve on their own. They haven’t.”(1)

If you’re wondering when to cross that line and do something, please consider this: Employees rarely report the suffering they experience from bosses or managers who bully them. Read this to learn why this is true. If it has gone so far that you're receiving more than one complaint, err on the side of believing that the effect of the behavior is more damaging than you think, to have brought these people forward to report it. 

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Call out unnecessary roughness in your workplace

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Call out unnecessary roughness in your workplace

At some point in your work life you may have witnessed an employee who had an overly aggressive management style that caused friction and conflict with everyone around them.

More often than not, this kind of behavior is swept under the rug, tolerated, or “forgiven” because the person is in a leadership position or they’re perceived to have so much value to the company that it’s “worth” the behavior. 

Let’s throw a flag on this play and call it what it really is: Bullying — no matter who does it, no matter how it’s done. It’s unnecessary and unacceptable as a leadership style.

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What is the thorniest issue that keeps your employees up at night?

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What is the thorniest issue that keeps your employees up at night?

In the top 3 of any list ranking the most common workplace issues, you will see “interpersonal conflict” or “bullying and harassment”—not pay, not recognition, not opportunities for promotion... 

“The accelerated pace of change in today’s workplace and in our overall society is one more factor impacting workplace mental health.” [Source: SHRM]  

It’s no surprise that the most common workplace issues on almost every survey list are not about pay, promotion, or benefits. We see that interpersonal conflict, bullying and harassment, communication and relationship problems consistently top these lists.

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Emotional abuse at work: 8 warning signs that there’s a problem

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Emotional abuse at work: 8 warning signs that there’s a problem

“The accelerated pace of change in today’s workplace and in our overall society is one more factor impacting workplace mental health.” [Source: SHRM]

It’s no surprise that the most common workplace issues on almost every survey list are not about pay, promotion, or benefits. We see that interpersonal conflict, bullying and harassment, communication and relationship problems consistently top these lists.

Recent statistics show that [Source: 2021 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey]:

  • 30% of adults are bullied at work (compared to 19% in 2017)

  • 43.2% of remote workers are bullied

  • 65% of bullies are bosses; 4% have admitted their bullying which represents 6.6 million individuals

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Solving the Abrasive Leader Dilemma – keep’em or let’em go?

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Solving the Abrasive Leader Dilemma – keep’em or let’em go?

In a recent HR meeting, I asked the legal team this question: “As an HR professional in an organization, what should you do if you discover that you have an abrasive leader (a bully) working in your company?”

In less than the time it took me to sit down from asking the question, all four HR attorneys agreed with each other that the answer was simple: “The person needs to be terminated immediately or as soon as you can line up the paper trail so you can fire them without repercussions.”

That was a pretty straightforward response as these sorts of panel discussions go – and brought into stark clarity for me the paralyzing dilemma that an abrasive leader can present to an organization.

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Why Abrasive Leaders Become "Winners Who Become Losers"

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Why Abrasive Leaders Become "Winners Who Become Losers"

It’s natural to make (negative) assumptions about the type of bosses and leaders who make our lives miserable at work—even including terms like “evil,” “a monster” or “insane.”

For professionals who are in the business of working toward a harmonious, engaged, productive, innovative workforce, it’s instructive if not crucial to unpack the package that is called the “abrasive leader.”


“Abrasive leaders become winners…”

First off, we know that abrasive leaders aren’t lacking in ability. In fact, it’s often their technical competence that led to their rise to management. Their skills in their field are rarely brought into question, and in many cases, it’s this competence that has management, leadership, and stakeholders often choosing to ignore the behavior—as it continues to poison the entire organization.

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Boss Whispering: Solving the problem of abrasive workplace behavior

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Boss Whispering: Solving the problem of abrasive workplace behavior

The Cambridge University Human Resources Department defines behavior as being unacceptable if:

It is unwanted by the recipient.

It has the purpose or effect of violating the recipient’s dignity and/or creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment

Unacceptable behavior is serious business.

As a conflict advisor and coach, I’ve worked with countless leaders who didn’t know they were exhibiting unacceptable behavior. I’m talking about more than a one-time personality clash — it’s chronic behavior that chips away at person’s morale and, literally, ability to do their job. It’s behavior that needs addressing before it permeates an entire organization.

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: Who is the Abrasive Leader?

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: Who is the Abrasive Leader?

I’ve written plenty on how abrasive leadership isn’t conducive to a healthy, conflict-competent workplace environment. But what about the abrasive leader? How does this behavior affect them?

The defining traits that will damage an abrasive leader’s career will also damage their personal lives. An abrasive leader isn’t only likely to find themselves on the ropes professionally, they’re going to face real world consequences in every area of their life.

Common co-worker complaints of repeated behaviors are: public humiliation, unpredictable or demeaning behavior, yelling or lack of emotional control, inappropriate hostile or sexual comments or behaviors, maligning another’s character or reputation Do you think someone who exhibits these characteristics professionally suddenly flips a switch on their way out of the office to transform into a considerate, encouraging, or stable individual in their personal life?

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: What is Your Role?

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: What is Your Role?

If you are a CEO, manager, HR professional, or coach/ombuds/mediator who is working on-site, please read on….

According to the Society of Resource Management (SHRM), 87% of employees say that workplace incivility has negatively affected their performance. So, at this moment you can safely assume that one or more employees in your organization might be experiencing abrasive behavior — not only negatively affecting their performance, but also their morale, and emotional and physical health.

It is your role to intervene. Employers have a responsibility to manage both performance and conduct, assuring the physical and psychological safety of their workforce.

And, simply put, it’s the right thing to do for your organization and your people.

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“Time’s Up” on Bad Leadership Behavior: Lessons From Scott Rudin’s Story

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“Time’s Up” on Bad Leadership Behavior: Lessons From Scott Rudin’s Story

The Washington Post headline says it all: “Scott Rudin’s bad behavior was just another Hollywood cliche until a new generation said time’s up.” You may know Scott Rudin as an award-winning film, television and theater producer, whose film successes include No Country for Old Men, Lady Bird, Fences, The Social Network, Clueless, and Broadway shows like The Book of Mormon.

For me as a conflict advisor and Boss Whispering® coach, Scott Rudin is the poster child of the many leaders out there who are poisoning their organizations with their disrespectful, disruptive behavior. And I’m grateful it’s been brought to light for the sake of all those people who have been emotionally harmed by an abrasive leader.

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Three Ways To Diagnose Disruptive Behavior That's Hurting Your Company

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Three Ways To Diagnose Disruptive Behavior That's Hurting Your Company

When it comes to human behavior (especially predicting and managing it), professionals in the field talk about "measuring the unmeasurable." If you've spent any time in almost any workplace, you can see how "measuring" behavior and its effects could be a thorny effort.

Most leadership assessments I've seen are based on important skills such as executing strategy, hiring, retention, succession, team and change management. However, when the rubber meets the road, it's an individual's personal characteristics and style that can make or break their success as a leader.

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Four Myths That Perpetuate Abrasive Behavior At Work

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Four Myths That Perpetuate Abrasive Behavior At Work

When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.

What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.

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Workplace Conflict: The Costs of an Abrasive Leader

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Workplace Conflict: The Costs of an Abrasive Leader

If the ingredients of a successful workplace team include trust, open communication, support, respect, cohesiveness, healthy conflict, and fun … what happens when an abrasive leader or “bully boss” is tossed into the mix?

You got it - a recipe for disaster for the whole organization!  If that leader’s behavior were to change, would the organization be more successful? The answer is a resounding yes. But how to address what is surely a sticky situation when a power position is in question?


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